A few days to go. I’m having the ultrasound today to know if it is alright to have the C-Section earlier than the 21st. I am excited…and again anxious…about the future. It sounds a long way off but I can see it all. Taking in the good with the bad. I don’t want to go my cynical way. I have to make a different scenario altogether for this little baby girl.
The two “kuya” 's have started sleeping in their own room. Bought a double deck for them and they have been camping there for days with their cousin Kyle. Mind you, their room has been a long process of negotiations, conditions and encouragement. I am excited for them and at the same time, sad that they wouldn’t be sleeping in the same room with me anymore. The most glaring sign that they’re..growing up.
A crib now sits beside my bed. It is quite an unusual sight after more than ten years. The prospect of sleepless nights, 3am feedings, doesn’t bother me that much. Maybe because I am much older now than when I first had Edman and Tommy. When I look at my sleeping boys in their decks, it is almost like they’re in their own cribs but insanely bigger and longer.
They are both excited for their little sister, Castielle. Edman is saying he’ll be graduating from college when Cas enters Grade School. They’ve got a lot of things planned for her… I’m proud of the Kuya’s. They have accepted their situation. That was how they were over the years, trying to take things in stride at such an early age. I think this is also how they have matured.
My marriage ended when Tommy was three. He was so young to understand what was happening. Now that they’re older, I still try to explain to them why it happened. I also told them I was sorry it happened. Edman said in his 5 year old voice, “Hindi mo sadya, Ma.”
I promised them that I would make everything better, if not right. I have been responsible for them since day one…as I will also be responsible for this beautiful gift from God. My little angel Castielle. ..coming out in a few days. I pray fervently to God that I would be a good mother, that she would be stronger than I was, to be born in a world I have created, a fault not of her own.
It would not be fair to this little creature of God, to be welcomed this way.
Overflowing love and happiness must envelope her!! That is all she deserves!
Thank you, Lord, for this gift. Give me strength as I go into the operating room. Bless the hands of my doctors..
My life has always been in Your hands and now there is another life that matters…
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