It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog…I find it strange typing in words that are not related to work or an email for encouragement to my team…(production! production!!) :) Maybe next time I should consider how they feel upon receiving my emails?? Haha! I’m sure they have gotten used to it already.
A number of things have happened these past months that sitting down and writing about them seem so much. Sometimes, I have all these thoughts in my head that keep me up past midnight. No, I don’ think I need a straight-jacket just yet. How hilarious it would be if one day, men in white would be charging up to my office with that jacket, noh?!
A few days ago, my Tito Dodong (close family friend) who lives in the neighborhood, died. He was a Capt.He was papa’s closest drinking buddy. He was 65 years old. He was exhausted climbing the 7-story ship that his heart just gave way… We all didn’t think he would die that way because he was diabetic and just recuperated from an operation. Diabetics, of course, have a least chance of surviving after an operation but Tito did! What fighting spirit! So, his death was unexpected.. We heard he was about to retire later this year.. we cried buckets… We will miss him. He made us all laugh and I have a special memory of him doing the "fan dance" in one of our gatherings at home. I was maybe seven then.
I don’t know why deaths affect me. When I was 22, I read the book , "Embraced by the Light". It was about an NDE (Near Death Experience) which altogether changed the way I see death….and life. My papa’s only brother died when I was 15, we were very close to him. I didn’t think my father could take his death, but he did after awhile. My Tito Dodong’s death however, papa was only able to go the mass but not when Tito’s body was being transported to the memorial. He was clearly affected. I was afraid that he was thinking also of his death…..
Papa turned 85 this year and he has been talking about his funeral preferences…. even as I was so open to my own death, I could not stand hearing him talk about his own. I JUST CAN’T. Even the thought of it now…….
My Ate tells me to reconcile whatever I have to with papa so I can be prepared. But what would I need to reconcile…whatever it was that my father did that hurt me or something, I have forgotten. I know that he only meant well for his children.
Tito Dodong’s son, Em-em gave his eulogy so beautifully, it gave the honor that Tito Dodong deserved…. we couldn’t stop crying. I guess, that was the time papa got so affected. I thought about papa’s eulogy. I tell myself now,I wouldn’t be able to do it. I have done a eulogy for my best friend in college, Aida. The words I delivered then weren’t even audible because I was crying and trying to fight back tears so how CAN I do that for my own father……….
Makes us all think of the time we have left. I think of my children. As an adolescent, I always thought I would not live as long as most people. I thought of dying young. I have even paid up for my own memorial lot. I am saving up for my memorial service now. Morbid? Strange? It is but I do think of it. BUT now, I ask God not to take me so soon. Not yet. I would like to see how it feels like to have my own grandchildren. :) I would like to be able to witness what my sons would be like when they are all grown. If Edman would really buy me that mansion with 19 servants…He said this while we were in the car traveling back to Davao :) He asked me if I wanted it to be in a mountain or in front of the ocean. And if I chose the mountain, he would have me airlifted. Helicopter?! :) And as for Tommy, whose got the politician’s blood in him,said that he would stroll me along Victoria Plaza on a wheelchair when I’m old and not able to walk. Then he would buy me ice cream and dresses and….more. :)
I think about all the reasons why I should continue living, I pray that I could focus on what’s important in my life. It is not what I’ve achieved, my stature, my financial capacity, it doesn’t even come close to that. It has become an old adage or cliche. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also".
So even as I think about death, I also think of living…long enough to enjoy God’s gifts to me here in this life.
-Addie, Davao City,Aug.'08
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